Thanks =) and sorry =( to Ms Ha for taking up your time today!

Btw, i saw one of my badm juniors, Odelia. Oh dear she changed so much! For the better of course :) She's so slim now la. It's like i'm her past size. Lol.. The only one reason that i dont like to bump into old friends outside is cos they'll sure find me "grow" so much. Hhaha. Euphemism.

Hmmm, Life is hard now. Perhaps this is the struggle of live. I still rmb my PAE chem teacher said As is the toughest period of your life. He said when he was in uni, he was "shaking leg everyday and go cafe eat cake". Lol. What an carefree life. Must be because of the trainings and tortures that nj gave him.

Come again, it may not be the real struggle of LIFE. The literal interpretation of such statement, is an issue of life and death, which fortunately (or hopefully), something that i do not need to deal with yet. I'm blessed with relative good health, though i'm pretty much abusing it as i'm not active as before but still gorging as much (or is it more).

2 years ago, what am i doing? - Slogging my guts out for an ORDINARY level exam. staying back in school.. consultations.. trudging thru sch papers.. underwent all those with wonderful 4-1. Back then, i was still having my dial-up internet connection and a faulty dell desktop. being online was not part of my life then.

2 years later aka NOW. what am i doing? - living as day like a zombie with no aims no zest no passion to do well in an ADVANCE level exam. no confidence. defeatist. suffering in silence. no revision. no papers done. class spirit.. honestly,there's none. Failed terribly as a chairman. The many hassles in jj somehow drained my energy to make changes. And with technology advancement and a big hole in my bank account, i am now with a laptop with decent broadband connection. not being online is not part of my life.

geshhh! i need some tight slaps and wake-up calls. Or perhaps those have alrd lose effects on me. Too influence by the family apathy. if you've got parents who do nothing to a school dropout daughter, how motivated can you get?

i wont do well. perhaps not going to be well enough for NBS. hey wait, do i even want to get into NBS in the first place? When people asked, that is my first response. But am i really suitable to go in there? Or do i have that kind of passion or longing for it? you wont get anywhere far without a passion. sometime, i thought i have a passion, but fears for fumbling in that passion will cease the passion. its overwhelming.

i guess i don even have time to go and find that passion ,the fire of one's life. it may not be good to leave the mind to wander aimlessly, but that the only thing now i can do. (although not very well)



Music offers the key to mind lockets. Sporty i may be, the adrenaline gush is not the only way to feel alive. I don know much about music actually. Those popular english and mandapop, don really leave you with lasting impression and influence. classical music, instrumental music, or baroque music, serve more of such purpose. actually i don really know the difference but does it matters anyway. as long as you FEEL deeply & connected to that music. it is a pity i did not have chance for music or instrument lessons... now it is a tad too old to learn right? going 19 soon. zzzzzzzz.

i thought i like violin, cos thats what Huaze Lei plays in Meteor Garden. Lol. But i realise my fondness is actually upon the cello! i like the deepness in the sound cello produces, it's reverberating and 荡气回肠. it make you cry when you're depressed but also help to clear your troubled mind. it is the food for my confused mind.

go listen! there's plenty in youtube. you'll fall for it too =) concerto is even more soul-stirring. in layman term, simply shiok la. ^^




once again, clinging on the thin line, of hope. 8:38 PM

Is dark night better than false dawn ?

I'm trying to be hopeful. But hopes can be deceiving and destroying.

All of us will face almost the same events in life, but why is it that we receive dramatically different outcome? Well, it is our response to it.

Take today chem test for eg. You must be thinking i am feeling utterly defeated and demoralised after such an awful ordeal. In fact, i'm quite nonchalant towards it, laughing at my silly self and joking around with others how badly we screwed up it. Put it in layman terms, it is simply hack care.

Now, which is better or which is worse? To get overwhelmed and depressed over it, get entrenched in darkness for the misery felt? And hence pushing yourself further more ? Or is it feeling "optimistic" for it, thinking that it is "just anther meaningless test", and living life as it ought to be - happy and enjoyable, avoiding the mental breakdown? But running the risks of not doing anything to improve the status quo?

I am.... sad. I worked for it, but things dont always turn out the way you want. I understand this.. so it is okay. But sometimes the emotional turmoil, can just ripped me apart. Pardon me, i am weak and feeble, not as strong and tough as i hope to portray.

Not doing well academically has been a part and parcel of my life. Not gifted with the genes, family status, conducive env, i only have myself to count to. Not forgetting the angelic friends and the patient teachers that have crossed my path to offer me insights. I thank them all. For now, something is still lacking, not really from the env, but from me. That being said, i will still rather fail a rj paper, than this one.


Something even more serious................ Is there sth wrong with my eyes? ................. I dunno how to go about checking it. Sight is a gift that really all of us have take for granted. But honestly, if i can't see one day, you guys won't see me too. cos i will choose to leave the world then.

i hope this is paranoia 9:07 PM

These few days don see me much as a life creature, not with that self imposed home grounding toppling it with vigorous mugging. But somehow it seem, it is still not enough..

This post serves to let u see how the smart ppl love to sleep during the sem =D






Haii. I didnt went out with them to sentosa last fri. Sad! It only make me appear even more anti. But i do have a reason...





I miss old friends.... 8:59 PM

let me digress a bit from pre-u sem.. to talk bout our cls "outing" ytd! hee. actually there were only 5 ppl, but does it matter? quoting from godson yj

look at all these innocent and lovely faces! xDD
Took neoprints! woots!

Love them all! 9:25 PM

pre-u sem part 2 - Special Characters!

SLOs!

Jonathan. He loves the cam and loves to pose! Lol! Don u thk he look like some cartoon cat character. haha!



My roommate - ethyl. Pronounced as ethanol w/o the nol. Lol. She looks like xy hor! And her best subject is Maths too! Lol spooky. She look more like the xy b4 wearing braces. heh.

She's mae hwee! Look like one of my cousin! She's frm NUS High Sch of Maths & Sci. Steady de okay. But she's very approachable and no attitude =)
Mr Leow Love Fiesta PA and Marcus cousin - kenneth! I don really know him actually, only heard his name from yl, nv though that will meet him. And u will nv imagine that marcus and him are close cousin! 0.0 Quoting what he said, "He's like so straight and i'm so curved, brain a bit here and there!!" Haha, how apt! He's quite popular in our grp. Will be better if there're more chances of interaction. but i thk he find me abit weird? haha.. maybe cos i'm not the typical jjcian. hee. I think we have the same sleek eyes and smile. But how come it look cute on him but ugly on me. zzz

Next up - SP from SP! haha he's song-pei from Sg Poly. Benja.. do u thk he look a bit like you? hmmm..
Finally!!! The most scary!! LLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!! omg the first impression from everyone on him is he's so LLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!! He behaves like L too! He loves to eat sweet stuff! He will have snacks with him every time. Once i saw him eating a pack of sugar O.O He like to have that squat-sit position too. Haha.. Incredible.

wohoh.. interesting right. Hmm next part is zzz! - the sleepy heads of pre-u sem =D 8:02 PM

Pre-u sem part 1

Hi all! I’m back! =D

Indeed, it was very enriching and experiential! Of course I need to take away worthy stuff for being confined for almost 5 days! Lol. I finally understand the kind of isolation feelings that army guys get. You will feel quite detached from the world's affairs since you cant contact much with others.When you returned back, the most ordinary thing will also appear unusual to you. Hehh.. army army.

Anyway, I have got a lot to talk bout this pre-u sem and a lot of photos to show! But there is too much so i gotta do it in parts. Haha. Up today will be the general overview of it!

This is where i sleep with my roommate! Actually this is so deceptive cos the room seems so nice right. But not really. The room got a very weird smell that will greet us everytime we open the door -.-

I am in SG 26. Singapore 26. LOL. NONO. its Seminar Grp 26. haha. Each SG has a rep from almost all the participating institution, so it is impossible to have 2 ppl from the same sch to be in the same grp. Well, this kindda forces me to speak up and make new frens. Haha. My grp is kindda special! A Student Liaison Officer (SLO) that look like panda/cartoon cat, a gal that look like my cousin, a guy that look like benja, a gal (roommate) that look like (chan) xinyu, ex-jj &n mr leow love fiesta PA and 'L' (deathnote)!!Lol! Highly interesting. Just too bad no shuai ges. LOL. no la, the grp is special enough to make up for that. hee.

Oh, we were fed 5 to 6 meals a day! The camp that offers the best food ever. And it didnt really turn out the way i have expected, which i didnt really mind. I was afraid that it was going to be very knowledge-intensive and mental drilling. Since there is a highly prestigious event whereby each institution can only send 25 reps, it gathers all the brightest young minds of the nation. I am very lucky to be chosen for it, for i don really deserved it since i don have that high level of intelligence. Sheer luck. (Thanks jj)

It also changed my perception about some schools. The best poly students are really comparable (or even better) to jc students. Their presentation skills are much more polished than us. Also lucky that students from top schools in my grp arent those snob ppl nor elitists. They can be rather normal too, ha.

But it is not entirely a rosy picture... Unavoidably, there are divides... There are 2 grps - happening and non-happening. Unfortunately, i belong to the latter, bcos my roommate wasnt that type of high and happening. So i stick to her and end up being in the non-happening grp tgt with the other more quiet gals. Not that i am complaining. Just that, this seminar could be far more interesting, if i have been in the other.. The happening grp, was at times too self-obessesed in their self-indulgence. This made them forgot, that others have to be included as well. I wonder why the SLOs didnt attempt to do that.. This is a trait i see in many of jj OGLs. Once again, not that i am complaining, cos they are sweet and thoughtful in their own ways too.

Many of us yearn to be in the strong and popular grp ba, for more comfort and assurance can be derived from it. It is different from blindly following the mainstream... When you know that you belong there BUT cant be there, it is quite a sick feeling. OK, i don really know whether i suits the happening grp, cos my frequency and range of topics/interests may differ from them. But by being in it, it will make me exhibit less anti-social behaviour which is very typical of me. And at the same time, i will try to make this grp to be A grp, as one. If ya dunno what im blabbing bout, its alright.. Well, i cant change anything now, but im glad im not as anti-social as usually as i am. ^^

I came to this seminar rather prepared, Prepared as it i know what to expect,having re-read apatheticalavenger & joanne blog repeatedly. So it kindda kills the excitement of anticipation of the unknown. haha.




Next up, part 2, will be on the Special Characters that are above-mentioned. Stay tune! xD

Oh ya, Happy 18th Bday to Pingting. I'm sure yr 18 is gna be so much sweeter than mine xD 7:39 PM