The day has come, when i broke down in sch.

Years have passed, things have changed, but my heart are just as frail. It has never strengthen.

Remember, roughly 2 years ago, i broke down severely too. I recall vaguely, in the midst of doing a A maths mock paper, i suddenly go to joc's side, squat down at her place,with linkin park rock music blasting in my ears and cried my lungs out. The songs were "crawling", "numb",which the lyrics reflected my feelings then - the mixture of angst and lostness.

What happened today is the cumulation of all the feelings. The photo shoot incident is really just a trigger point. The classes were taking class photo today... I have a feeling beforehand that it will not turn out good... sorry but i really got to draw comparison back to 4-1 again. I rmb that time we were like damn excited and enthu about it, came out with many formations. I asked the guys go climb trees, do push-up positions, also ask all to do the flower pose. hahaha...

When i get my photo, i will post it up here and you guys can see whats so apparent wrong with it. yes yes, perhaps it is just ME, somethg fundamental wrong with ME, that i just cant ignore a thing that most don even care. My smile up there is so fake..

The issue over class unity is something that i've always concerned bout it, BUT never really do much bout it. But dubbing the role as chairman this yr, i put it upon myself that I HAVE AN OBLIGATION DO SOMETHING to salvage the situation. But i'm not patient or sociable enough to accomplish that.

Not everyone can accept my style of leading and my seriousness. Im glad that last time my badminton gals accepted and listened to me. But i'm not gonna be lucky every time and get a group of people that are willing to accommodate to me. I keep thinking that people have to accustomed TO ME. But JC life have made me recognise this way of leading is not going to work every time. I have learn that i must deal with different ppl differently. But having learn that, i am still not able to apply that. arghh..

I will not have cried today in sch. After the shoot, i was thinking of calling ah bao to pour all my grievances. If i do so, i will probably cry on the way home while talking to her. However, Mr Hong seem to notice there sth wrong with me. ah.. I don like people asking me "are you okay?" or "are you fine?", cos they always ask me this when i'm not okay or fine. Lol.. Then because i don want to answer truthfully, nor want to lie, words don want to come out but tears come out just so automatically. haiyo..一哭不可收拾。Then went to hide in toilet! -.-

He got a gal to ask me out whom i dunno how she looks like but her voice is very nice. Lol. Den latter he got Ms Ha. Then he talked to me for a while..

I "underestimate" him. I thought he innocently think that everything in the class is alright. But no, he knows every thing. I think he is that kind that observes and then make a silent note. So all along i have had the wrong impression. Sometime the one who looks the least powerful IS the most powerful. hahah. 不愧是 psc scholar. lol.. xD I think many could have benefited if he shares with us his 心路历程。I shall go find out more ^^ to help me overcome my weakness... and to come to terms about certain issues.

sometime we got to accept and let go

sometime we got to go against and fight

i'm too much of the latter,because i feel that the former is more for the weakling. However, as age catches up on me and seeing more things, doing the former can be an act that enables us to move on. Too stubbornly insisting on the latter will only make us regress and miss out many more good things.

i hope i continued to rmb this.

learn to let go.

(but do we need to apply that to studies??)

thank you cher, and Ms Ha. u know how to comfort others :D


7:18 PM

My immaturity and intolerance once again got the better of me. Sometime when i am conditioned to the school setting, i'm really oblivious to how life ought to be.

Walk a little slower, look at that scenery that offers you more meanings, rather than hurrying to the next venue.

Spare fewer stares for your notes, talk to your friends who are far more interactive and interesting.

But i'm not doing it. For as long as i am in this mad system, i wont and cant slow down to appreciate whats around. But then again, i only have got less than 3 months in this system. So no matter how much i abhor it, i must learn to "enjoy" and "savor every moment". Why did i put " ? Because if you just ask any As student, none will say they are enjoying their revision, that is if they have started which i have not, sadly.

This system is really too extreme in its paper-chase behaviour, like a never ending rat race. Running this race will make you breathless, esp if you see some are walking slowly but yet you have to run desperately to catch up. And that is precisely, yours sincerely, ME. lol.. It is apparent that i not only cant catch up in real life running. rahh.

But then again... Being able to sit in front of the screen and typing my complaints, is already a kind of blessing. There are really abundant of unfortunates around... But often, because all these do not exert a direct influence on us, we dont give a damn, for there are other more important things on our personal agenda. I'm guilty of that, are you?

ALL of us, are self fish, just to varying extent. But thats normal cos all of us are humans, not saints, or the very rare almost saint-like ppl (like joc!! =D ). However, as we live and grow, we should seriously attempt to expand our human capacity by shedding our self fish nature and shower more concerns on other issues, that don really affect us, but are important. Spare a thought for that.

Nevertheless, i really have got to get my act together and study my ass out for As. Heh really crude but i'm not exactly gentle in any way right? haha. Hmm. Have you ever wonder why you study hard? For jobs? For personal fulfillment? Or is it not knowing what else to do besides mugging hard?

As for me... it is a kind of family responsibility. HAHA. sound so old fashioned. Being the eldest child,no having no brothers but only a sister whom i dunno whether is she going to continue her studies, i really gotta make sure i get a decent cert so as to get a decent job. Whoa, so utilitarian, you may say. Honestly if i'm born with a silver spoon, i wont give a damn about studies. But this kindda life looks kind of meaningless yeh? So maybe i should be "glad" of having my current family settings... Though i hope it could be more normal, like all of you out there...

Anw, decided to reinstall tagboard. Nobody tag i wont care lar; since i didnt tell much people in the first place. So to those who drop by run by crawl by, show your presence! so that when i emo i can be more comforted. hahah. hmmm, at least i know ms Ha and xiaobai read my blog. Why acknowledge them? cos i think it is a torture for anyone to read my entries. ha. to my friends out there, if don wan read, just tag okay? Lol. It is a heinous crime not to tag while you are here, cos later i will misunderstand for not being concerned with my pathetic life. hahaha xD

lastly..... I LOVE PERFECT CUT =) 6:51 PM

i cant seem to talk truthfully to anyone anymore. maybe not that i have really done it before. sometimes, i really have lots to say, but i just cant express. Perhaps it is better for the other party, sparing them from the inconvenient truth. i dunno how to bring it up and to initiate it. but most of the time, i don even have feelings per say, it is just sheer emptiness.. or at the other end of the spectrum - suffocation..

a life without passion, direction and purpose, may not be better than not having it.

but well, i wont have the courage to.. y'knw. but if someday, suddenly i got landed into a peril situation, i wont bother to struggle to display the will to..

talk to me, if u know how to deal with tears.





真的该是时间去看医生了。。 11:44 PM

i like the way 8 of us were today =) 9:59 PM

i'm trying, not to shed tears for all these shit.

although it sucks, but i want to believe some years down the road, i will be looking back and smiling fondly.

ppl are self-fish , sometimes i even feel so in my league.. but i'm glad its not in all of the ones i'm in =)

i'm seeing more and more ppl finding their dreams, planning how to materialise it.



wheres mine?


. 7:00 PM

Less than 1 month to prelim. Less than 3.5 months to As. I'm going full blast, hopefully.

But then, i need a back-up plan. anyone can tell me what to do, if i fail gp, and cant get into uni? Or i never do well enough for my h2s, cant enter NBS ? Or i enter NSB, but cant finance for it?

.....

"i'm gonna use you til the end, and have the last laugh"

Anyway, this place is gonna be more dead than usual, so pls bear with it.

Everyone, lets endure this shit tgt. Think of the sweet and raging freedom at the end of this tumultuous journey. =) 5:53 PM

im better now! stronger! gogogo! 7:21 PM

i'm so tempted, to leave. 8:49 PM