Is dark night better than false dawn ?

I'm trying to be hopeful. But hopes can be deceiving and destroying.

All of us will face almost the same events in life, but why is it that we receive dramatically different outcome? Well, it is our response to it.

Take today chem test for eg. You must be thinking i am feeling utterly defeated and demoralised after such an awful ordeal. In fact, i'm quite nonchalant towards it, laughing at my silly self and joking around with others how badly we screwed up it. Put it in layman terms, it is simply hack care.

Now, which is better or which is worse? To get overwhelmed and depressed over it, get entrenched in darkness for the misery felt? And hence pushing yourself further more ? Or is it feeling "optimistic" for it, thinking that it is "just anther meaningless test", and living life as it ought to be - happy and enjoyable, avoiding the mental breakdown? But running the risks of not doing anything to improve the status quo?

I am.... sad. I worked for it, but things dont always turn out the way you want. I understand this.. so it is okay. But sometimes the emotional turmoil, can just ripped me apart. Pardon me, i am weak and feeble, not as strong and tough as i hope to portray.

Not doing well academically has been a part and parcel of my life. Not gifted with the genes, family status, conducive env, i only have myself to count to. Not forgetting the angelic friends and the patient teachers that have crossed my path to offer me insights. I thank them all. For now, something is still lacking, not really from the env, but from me. That being said, i will still rather fail a rj paper, than this one.


Something even more serious................ Is there sth wrong with my eyes? ................. I dunno how to go about checking it. Sight is a gift that really all of us have take for granted. But honestly, if i can't see one day, you guys won't see me too. cos i will choose to leave the world then.

i hope this is paranoia 9:07 PM