The day has come, when i broke down in sch.

Years have passed, things have changed, but my heart are just as frail. It has never strengthen.

Remember, roughly 2 years ago, i broke down severely too. I recall vaguely, in the midst of doing a A maths mock paper, i suddenly go to joc's side, squat down at her place,with linkin park rock music blasting in my ears and cried my lungs out. The songs were "crawling", "numb",which the lyrics reflected my feelings then - the mixture of angst and lostness.

What happened today is the cumulation of all the feelings. The photo shoot incident is really just a trigger point. The classes were taking class photo today... I have a feeling beforehand that it will not turn out good... sorry but i really got to draw comparison back to 4-1 again. I rmb that time we were like damn excited and enthu about it, came out with many formations. I asked the guys go climb trees, do push-up positions, also ask all to do the flower pose. hahaha...

When i get my photo, i will post it up here and you guys can see whats so apparent wrong with it. yes yes, perhaps it is just ME, somethg fundamental wrong with ME, that i just cant ignore a thing that most don even care. My smile up there is so fake..

The issue over class unity is something that i've always concerned bout it, BUT never really do much bout it. But dubbing the role as chairman this yr, i put it upon myself that I HAVE AN OBLIGATION DO SOMETHING to salvage the situation. But i'm not patient or sociable enough to accomplish that.

Not everyone can accept my style of leading and my seriousness. Im glad that last time my badminton gals accepted and listened to me. But i'm not gonna be lucky every time and get a group of people that are willing to accommodate to me. I keep thinking that people have to accustomed TO ME. But JC life have made me recognise this way of leading is not going to work every time. I have learn that i must deal with different ppl differently. But having learn that, i am still not able to apply that. arghh..

I will not have cried today in sch. After the shoot, i was thinking of calling ah bao to pour all my grievances. If i do so, i will probably cry on the way home while talking to her. However, Mr Hong seem to notice there sth wrong with me. ah.. I don like people asking me "are you okay?" or "are you fine?", cos they always ask me this when i'm not okay or fine. Lol.. Then because i don want to answer truthfully, nor want to lie, words don want to come out but tears come out just so automatically. haiyo..一哭不可收拾。Then went to hide in toilet! -.-

He got a gal to ask me out whom i dunno how she looks like but her voice is very nice. Lol. Den latter he got Ms Ha. Then he talked to me for a while..

I "underestimate" him. I thought he innocently think that everything in the class is alright. But no, he knows every thing. I think he is that kind that observes and then make a silent note. So all along i have had the wrong impression. Sometime the one who looks the least powerful IS the most powerful. hahah. 不愧是 psc scholar. lol.. xD I think many could have benefited if he shares with us his 心路历程。I shall go find out more ^^ to help me overcome my weakness... and to come to terms about certain issues.

sometime we got to accept and let go

sometime we got to go against and fight

i'm too much of the latter,because i feel that the former is more for the weakling. However, as age catches up on me and seeing more things, doing the former can be an act that enables us to move on. Too stubbornly insisting on the latter will only make us regress and miss out many more good things.

i hope i continued to rmb this.

learn to let go.

(but do we need to apply that to studies??)

thank you cher, and Ms Ha. u know how to comfort others :D


7:18 PM