Let me take you through a mini roller coaster ride that i ve been thru for the last few days =)

cant provide full info cos of confidentiality yeh

02 feb - mon
some comp

03 feb - tue
some comp

04 feb - wed
i miss my chance to meet bankers.. i wont say its totally my negligence fault, it actually includes a little of his fault and, the technology. he was quite angry la, cos he thought im not professional enough, and my confidence issue is getting onto his nerves. from the mail he sent, i thought im fired. heh.

04 feb - thur
sit in when he trained others. cool. whn it ended, i went straight to him and said i don wan join toastmaster. giving him all kind of excuses, but he attacked and demolished one by one. going heads on with a debater and toastmaster only spell doom.haha.that time he was still talking at my place, so it didnt get too personal yet.

then after tht went his office. bahh.. i gave weak excuses and he chided.. he can see the deep sense of self-doubt in me..
"...ure the only one who is preventing yourself from success"
cos i have been trying to avoid my blindspots (aka weakness, but we don use such word there. heh) all my lifetime. den somehow.. i dunno how i link it to the indifference/lack of passion in life, and tears just come out. its not tearing, its crying. i ve nv spoken this to anyone before. at the back of my mind, i knw somehow i am going to touch on this even b4 i started this i/ship.(or is tht the reason i fight for this i/ship in the 1st place?)

"there are worse things in life than w/o a passion". perhaps im too "fortunate" in a sense la, or its too "unfortunate" tht im sooooooo pessi. then he asked me try to behave like 19 in this aspect (other aspect he don wan, like dressing -.-)

before a real turning point in life,one have to experience crisis, which makes them wake up, see the clarity, feel the drive to achieve. it is really a blessing in disguise. most of them fall to rock bottom and they pick up, marvelously. basically most of the trainers here fall real hard before they become what they are today. life without troubles can be a very troubling thing. don tell me acad is your source of troubles. if that is the case, i am not sure youre too fortunate or miserable. perhaps thats why most of us are lost in the wild (at least this is how i see the singaporeans in general la, u can say its a pessi view)

hmmm so am i asking for some crisis to unfold in front of me?!! >.< actually i'm not sure.. the fear that i am not able to pick up and continue stay at rock bottom aft the crisis. so.. perhaps through the short stint here, aft seeing more things and meeting more ppl, i will be able to get that clarity without going through the hard way of undergoing a crisis in life.

ok back to my story. actually i cant rmb properly, shit.i forgot what he said in reply to my indifference thingy.. ok no, he said if i used that for toastmaster,i will sure win -.-
ok then he said sth about learn to love myself (wow he can see im not doing that). den he said sth, which ah bao said its like a punchline, "do u need a guy to love you b4 you start loving yourself?" wa...spot-on? er..mayb its true to a certain extent..

then he tried to encourage me again.wa i wonder what good deeds i have done to him in the last lifetime that made him owe me so much. bcos there's absolutely no need for him in helping me to improve right? for giving me so much valuable, precious, prestigious chances?? im this deeply insecure person who needs reaffirmation, assurance and encouragement, which i think some of you all have felt tired before by trying to make me feel this. and i kept made him do all these. T.T i think if i made him do this again, out i will go, cos it is me crippling and stopping myself

so.. i shd stop doubting (or for a start, doubt less) about myself. and believe that..im a gem? haha. he said tht. im still not use to praises as negativity has been manifesting in my entire life. okok, IM A GEM! so i ve to go through those friction and polishing b4 i SHINE. and those friction and polishing will mean..the learning to speak up.

so i left the rm with redden eyes, then my guys frens all taught tht he "bullied" me and scold me to tears.lol na, i actually triggered it myself whn i touched on the indifference topic..and somehow the news tht i cried even spread to the 2nd biggest guy. haha. though im not sure dear Mr. K knows tht. err does he even know i existed? haven done a proper introduction though i ve seen him arnd for a few times..

but anw, here comes the touching part. earlier on this wk he asked me to go to a bouna vista toastmaster club meeting that was ytd. so i left the company and go for my 2nd toastmaster session as a guest. i went alone. then just b4 it started, he came!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! omg............ lucky i didnt cry on the spot. it was not on his schedule. i think he has to meet his fren, then it ends up he drag his fren along with him >.< it has also been 3 years since he went for such a session (cos he is too high level for such session, lol) so..today i ask,he said is to support me la. haha i knw it actually, but hearing it in words feel even more shiok xD oh ya, during the toastmaster session , i was made to do one of the table topics, meaning impromptu speaking.
my topic was "don't hurry, don't worry. ure only here for a short visit,. so be sure to stop and smell the flowers"
dunno what the hack was it about. but i relate it to the pace of life, and crap. when i was speaking, i was looking every where, except every one's eyes. LOL. scare la.. so can tht be considered my 1st ever public speaking?? although there are only ~15 of them, they are all strangers and adults! to take the courage and risk making a fool out of myself. but this is just the beginning.. i have got to go arnd and make 10 speeches.. BLESS ME!

6 feb - fri
a less emotional and happy day =D get to sit in his trng agn. the audience was very demanding. even him is a little stressed up. but anw, today the person who captivated me is not him, it is one of the new guy fren i ve made. btw, those that i have talked to more are guys. its easier to get along w them la. listen to their crap and then crapping along is fun :D
"crapping is the first step towards public speaking", by WL =D

back to the guy. im alway impressed with ppl who possess their own way of thinking, bcos this gives them a strong identity. (which's the thg tht i lacked) he is very clear of what he want to achieve. and he is very willing to share his honest opinions with me (those tht are not politically correct ones). this is essential, bcos i cant keep going on 100% adoring mentor and the env.

but nono, im not in love w him. haha. just a cool person to hang out with. i like to be with ppl w unique thinking! =D its intellectually challenging and stimulating, and their words of wisdom make me think and reflect.
thts why i want to talk to Des more, but now both of us are busy. zzz.

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if nth goes wrong, nx wk i will go back to CSS!! hope he brings me along! :D
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what a long post, u shd nt ve read it. haha. 10:03 PM